The old adage of “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”
refers to the idea of ignoring the things around you and pretending that you
never saw, heard or spoke of it. Imagine
the little monkey emoticons with their hands covering their eyes and ears and
mouth. I wish that life was that
simple…that you could just pretend things away.
But ignoring the truth doesn’t change it. I have seen the effects of treatment, and
heard a cancer diagnosis or have not been able to speak properly. This is my reality. For me, it isn’t about a theoretical blind
eye, or deaf ear or closed mouth. It is
about the trials and tribulations of the possibility of a real blind eye, an
actual deaf ear, and a mouth that has trouble speaking. But because of this, I now choose not to see the evil but the good in
people. I choose to never stop speaking
the truth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And
I will not listen to the evil one, but will open my ears to hearing God's Word. Romans
10:17 “So faith comes from hearing , and
hearing through the word of Christ.”
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could put on rose colored glasses
and peer into a place where we couldn’t see hurt or anger or violence? Then imagine not being able to see anything
at all. I can’t imagine living in a
world of complete darkness. But there
are people who are physically blind and can’t see their child or read the Bible
or gaze at God’s amazing creation. Then
there are others who are spiritually blind and don’t see the truth that is so
blatantly surrounding them. Luckily for
me, I’ve come to know and accept the truth, and proudly proclaim it. I can see it without a doubt.
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of
what we do not see.” My cancer
diagnosis and treatment, along with the roller coaster ride that is now my
life, has made God’s presence in my life even more visibly evident. When I was told early on in my treatment that
I would absolutely lose the sight in my right eye, I am guessing I reacted a
little differently than most. And I may
have already told you this, but I think it bears repeating. I didn’t cry.
I didn’t freak out. I think I
just said “OK.” I’m not sure why I
reacted that way. Actually, I am…it was the
calm given to me by the Holy Spirit. I
suppose I knew that it didn’t matter if I could see out of my right eye. I felt like if anything, it would help me to
see things even more clearly…to see the bigger pictures and set my sights on
Christ and not the things of this world.
Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to the patterns of this
world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may
discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” I have had people all over the world
praying for me, and I’m here to tell you that prayer works. The absolute certainty of my doctor that I
would lose my sight has been mitigated by the prayers of a powerful people. I have perfect vision in both of my
eyes! There is some damage to the optic
nerve, so there is a chance that things could change. But for now we just praise Him. I must
admit that I have aged over the last year apparently (and not just the new
wrinkles). I hate to say that I now find
myself holding the phone farther away from my face or increasing the text size
so I can see it better. I used to tease
my dear friend Gina by holding the menu across the table or holding her phone
outstretched (all in fun, by the way).
But now it’s my turn. Doctors tell me it’s now time to bite the bullet
and get some reading glasses. Store bought readers or prescription? Prayer works. Miracles happen. See no evil…but
see the truth.
Did you ever play that telephone game with two soup cans and
a string? I imagine putting it up to my
right ear and listening as my friend’s voice permeates the string (or so it’s
supposed to go) and we chatted like we were on the telephone. For those younger
people reading this blog, there was a time when there were no cell phones…when
even talking on the regular phone (attached to a coil, attached to a wall) to
friends was a privilege because you had to pay per call. And forget about calling your friends long
distance! Anyways, I digress. The thought of putting that can up to my ear,
without the string attached, and without the sound of my friend’s voice, is one
that has come to mind a lot lately.
You see, I was told once again, early on, that there was a
possibility of hearing loss in my right ear due to the radiation treatments and
location. I never thought much of this
warning, as it was piled in with the million other ‘cover your booty’
warnings…the worst case scenarios. As I
went to my weekly clinics with Dr. Frank (already 9 months ago) he would ask
about my hearing and I would assure him that I had no issues. Two months, even four months after treatment
there was no sign of hearing loss. I was
certain I had dodged that bullet (somehow living in Texas seems to make that
picture appropriate). But sometimes God
has other things in store for us. You
see, in December I began to notice a feeling like I had water in my ear (like I
had been swimming…and trust me, I had not!).
I did all the usual things like trying to pop it or putting drops in my
ears. Nothing seemed to work. I went to my ENT here in Austin, Dr. Scholl,
and had him take a look. He said there
was fluid in my ear and we were going to try to dry it out with Nasonex and
Mucinex…none of which worked. A month
passed and I was referred to the ENT at MD Anderson, Dr. Gidley (who was a
hoot, by the way). A hearing test showed
normal nerve function, but decreased mechanical function. The fluid behind my ear drum was filling my
entire middle ear. There was no room for
it to get any worse. To add to this, my
eustacion tube was closed. My hearing
was greatly impaired in that ear. That
part of it was no big surprise…for months I have felt like my father in law (and have felt
FOR my father in law) who has to ask, “What?” when someone asks a question to
the bad ear. I am someone who couldn’t
hear the alarm going off if the good ear is on the pillow; someone who had to
ask their daughter to turn up the TV to a volume that normally would have been
just ‘way too loud’. Hear ye, Hear
ye…or not! Yes, there is no doubt that I
have been impaired. But I took it all
with a grain of salt…which ironically is supposed to help with clogged ears J
That brings me to the options Dr. Gidley presented to
me. The first option was to do nothing
and pray…not just pray, but to “pray for a miracle”. Hmmm, OK, that doesn’t sound too good. He told me it was extremely unlikely that it
could heal on its own. The second
option, a more medically sound option, was to get a tube to drain it. Well there’s my answer! Not so fast, turbo (who says this
anymore??). With the tube would come ramifications
that I wasn’t willing to accept. He said
that it would be in for about a year and it would come out on its own. However, the hole from the tube would never
close because of the radiation. So,
essentially I would always have a drain hole and I wouldn’t be allowed to swim
in the lake water for fear of bacterial infections. The tube option was quickly eliminated, as
the dreams of a summer once again on the lake with my family came back to
life. I wasn’t willing to give up the
only real thing that my family does together (and has fun together doing) over
the summer. I was deprived of it all of
last summer because of treatment. My
kids were deprived of their mother for months.
The lake, no matter how low it is, is not something I am willing to give
up. To some that may sound foolish, but
I would rather hear out of only one ear for the rest of my life, than not be
able to hear Meghan or Molly giddy with excitement, just one more time, as they
wakeboard or tube across the lake. So, I
quickly told him that the tube was not an option for me at this time, and that
we believe in the power of prayers and that’s what we would do. We would pray for yet another miracle,
because the Lord has already proven with my eyes that prayers work.
Several months passed
since that appointment in January with Dr. Gidley and my hearing hadn’t improved. The loss of hearing and what felt like a
balloon wedged in my ear was annoying, but was more of a nuisance than anything
else. But something happened on the way
to Rockport (that sounds like it should be a song title) this past Spring Break
as we traveled the Texas country roads.
Something in my ear seemed to pop and instantly I knew that something
was different. Sounds were suddenly louder
and clearer, but I was hesitant to believe it.
As I sat there, I told Will and the girls that something weird happened. I kept covering my right ear, then my left
ear to compare them. I knew that I
couldn’t hear much before, but now the discrepancy between the hearing
abilities didn’t seem as drastic. All of
a sudden I became annoyed by the constant rattle that seemed to be permeating
from the passenger door (to the right of me).
I was hearing things out of my right ear again (even if it was still not
normal). I asked Will if he heard that
sound and he replied that it had been rattling for the past hour and a
half. I hadn’t heard it until then. The rattle must have been some remnant of
what was left behind when I had my car repaired (stupid story, don’t ask why). This reminded me that even when we seem to be
‘fixed’, we are still broken without Jesus.
After that moment on the quiet country road,
where Jesus once again began to heal me, I started to hear the truth once
more. Jesus meets you where you are
at. Just like Saul on the road to
Damascus. Just like He will meet
millions more who are open to hear the word. Ephesians 1:13 And
you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the
gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a
seal, the promised Holy Spirit.
Yes, my hearing was improved, only slightly, but enough to
notice a difference. I could see the
prayers working as Jesus heard the prayers of his saints on my behalf. And last week, it popped once again, and as I woke up to go to Houston
once more, I had my left ear nestled in the pillow. Only my right ear was open to hear the alarm
go off and what sounded like church bells singing praises for yet another
miracle bestowed on me. As I sit here
writing this, I can hear the second hand
ticking away on the clock sitting to the right of me on my desk. Prayer
works. Miracles happen. Hear no evil...but hear the truth.
Did you know that God is a
techie?? He even butt dials on our behalf! I speak the truth J Read on, as I tell you why. On December 31st, otherwise known
as New Years Eve, I woke up with the most unbearable pain. Well, actually I woke up fine. It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth and rinsed
that I was brought to my knees in the most unimaginable pain in my face I could
experience. It lasted probably a minute
or so, but was worse than anything I had experienced up to this point during my
entire ‘ordeal’. It reminded me of the
excruciating pain I felt on that night of April 18th, 2013 when it
felt like someone was stabbing me (that led to my diagnosis). I was sobbing and not sure what was going
on. As the pain eventually subsided, I
went on with my morning not knowing why that had happened. I made my morning coffee and then had some
water with my medication. I was once
again laid to the ground, sprawled on the kitchen floor covering my mouth with
both hands thinking that would somehow mask the agony that I was experiencing. That if I covered my mouth (just like the
little monkey emoticon) it would somehow not be as painful or true. I picked myself up off the kitchen floor once
the pain subsided, and I began to help Molly with her science fair
project. She was using different types
of water to see how sedimentary limestone would absorb them. For some reason, which now is unimportant, I
took a sip of the tonic water. Almost
immediately the tears began to stream out of my eyes like a faucet and the piercing
pain began to radiate through my mouth and face once more, bringing me once again to the floor. I think I had finally figured out the
cause. Anytime I drank anything that
wasn’t warm I was affected. It was New
Years Eve. No doctors were
available. I couldn’t drink
anything. I couldn’t even rinse my
teeth. I was getting fearful of a couple
days without water and severe dehydration (no one would see me on New Years Day
either). I was contemplating a trip to
the emergency room. But, just like
always, God was walking beside me.
I’ve already told you about Charlie Snow, my
guardian angel on earth (also my dentist), who made me a prosthetic mouth roof
even when my doctors at MDA couldn’t because of my mouth opening. Charlie called me that morning which was odd. I hadn’t
talked to him in a month or so. He said
that my dad (who also knows Charlie) had butt dialed him and hung up. The Lord
even uses technology for our sake! If you know my dad, this wouldn’t seem
unusual…he and technology don’t mix all that well. Anyways, Charlie saw his # and called him
back because he had been worried that maybe something was going on with
me. My dad apologized for butt dialing
him and did mention that I was experiencing these weird pains. When Charlie and I spoke, he asked me to test
a few things and he determined that most likely it was a dental issue. He told
me he was coming over to my house and was going to take me to his office
downtown so he could try to figure what the source of pain was and try to block
the pain at least temporarily. He gave
me a shot at the house, which led to complete numbing of the area so I could at
least try to get down some fluids. Once
at the office, he was able to figure out the exact area that was affected, and
he gave me a shot or two to completely numb it.
What I didn’t tell you is that he had a friend in town for New Years
that he dragged along for my sake. It
turns out that I would most likely need a root canal…he would refer me to a
specialist. He then told me that he
would come over at any time to give me additional shots at home if necessary
until that time. And, of course, he
wouldn’t accept a dime from me. Whoever
said there aren’t angels here on earth, never met Charlie Snow. Hebrews 6:10 God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you
have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. It turns out that the shots he gave me that
day would amazingly get me through a couple weeks without pain! I couldn’t believe it…neither could he. The shots should not last in my system more
than 6 hours or so. But God is
good. After a few weeks, I once again
experienced the pain. I called Charlie
and he came over to give me another shot.
This time it wasn’t New Years Eve, but his wife’s birthday. But he came for me anyways. He managed to get me into the root canal
specialist the next day. I have been
pain free ever since. Well, with that
pain anyways!
Then there is the pain associated with my jaw. You see, jaw pain is nothing new to me. Ten or more years of limited mouth opening
and pain have made me almost numb to it.
But this pain was more than just the usual aches. I had a terrible infection for the course of
about 4 months, due to necrosis of the tumor and dead exposed bone in the
palate, both of which were constant sources of contamination and pain in my
jaw. My problem with reactions to pain
meds didn’t help my situation any, but I managed with a regimen of
ibuprofen…lots and lots of ibuprofen.
Not to mention the multitude of ‘big gun’ antibiotics to try to clear
the infection. It took time and
patience, but I have been taken off all antibiotics and am feeling great
again. I lost a large chunk of the dead
bone (which I thought was a pretzel that was stuck in the hole that I wedged
out…I know you’re cringing right now!).
This is a sign the infection is clear and my system is working itself
out again. I still have some bone that
needs to come off, but it’s no longer causing any pain, and having it covered
most of the day should speed up that process.
But the root (pardon the pun) of evil with
regards to my mouth, continued to be the gaping hole in the roof of my mouth
and the very small mouth opening that was preventing me from getting a more
permanent prosthetic. The hole in the
roof of my mouth was the one side effect that I never expected or remember
being warned about. It’s not just a
hole, but really a complete loss of the right side of my palate due to the dying tumor receding from that area. I don’t think many of you fully understand
what that means. It means food getting
stuck every time you eat and not being able to get it out without going through
multiple tubs of water in the Water Pik.
It means water (or even food) coming out of your nose every time you
take a sip (or water pik) because the hole goes all the way into your sinus
cavity. It means not being able to speak
properly without my device… most people have a hard time understanding me
(especially on the phone). My tongue
doesn’t have a roof to hit properly to make the correct sounds for proper
speech. Lucky for me, as I’ve already mentioned, Charlie was able to sculpt out
of almost nothing a prosthetic device to cover that hole. Because we couldn’t get a mold of my mouth
(due to limited opening) he made something out of nothing…something pieced
together and molded and shaped along the way, that was eventually almost
perfect. Just like the Lord takes us,
nothing, and turns us into something beautiful that He has shaped along the way
until one day we are made perfect. Isaiah 64:8 Yet you, Lord,
are our Father. We are the clay, you are
the potter; we are all the work of your hand. On my visit to Houston last month, the dental oncologist was finally able to get a mold of my mouth. Finally, after all this time, I was able to open enough for them to get a perfect mold of my palate to make a more permanent opterator (the technical term for the prosthetic…I just call it my ‘mouth’). That visit to MD Anderson with my dear friend Torri, alone warrants its own entry (for another day!). Anyways, it seems like when things go up they must come down…as did my excitement about my wider mouth opening. And when Dr. Afshari (whom I had just met on that last visit) asked if Torri was my daughter I nearly fell out of the dental chair in anguish...that pain I talked about earlier with the pain and root canal, was nothing compared to this knife! Ouch…now I do have to admit that Torri has a very youthful face and glow, but still! On a side note, that wasn’t the first time Torri’s youthful glow tormented her friends. We all went to the Spazmatics (awesome 80’s cover band), and she was the only one who wasn’t carded. ANYWAYS!! After that visit to dental oncology, which apparently stressed my jaw and me just a tad too much, I was unable to open enough to even get in my other ‘mouth’ for over a week. It seemed I was almost back to square one again. I was scheduled to go back on March 4th (also my 45th birthday) to get my new one. Boy, I’m feeling old enough. However, there was no way I would be able to open enough to even get it in at that point, so I rescheduled for later in the month. Plus who wants to spend their birthday at MD Anderson anyways?!? Just last week I was able to get my new ‘mouth’ which fits quite nicely, but there are still adjustments to be made. But I am on my way to this being a permanent device. I now have to wear it 24/7 (which I should’ve done before but I just wasn’t comfortable doing it). I take it out at night and in the morning to clean it, to rinse out the ‘hole’ with the Water Pik, and brush, floss and rinse with mouthwash. Then place it right back in. It takes me longer to get ready to go to bed than it takes me to get ready in the morning! But this opterator, or prosthetic, or ‘mouth’ (regardless of what you call it) is yet another answered prayer. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to speak in a way that I would be comfortable with…and I’m not a candidate for surgery due to the constantly changing status of my tumor. Prayer works. Miracles happen. Speak no evil…but speak the truth.
When I was diagnosed with Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma on May 2nd of 2013, I didn’t understand how greatly my entire head and all its senses would be affected. I haven’t even told you about the pretty severe loss of smell (which sometimes works to my advantage) and just as noticeable loss of taste (I feel like everything needs salt!). We don’t realize how mutually dependent each part is on the next. 1 Corinthians 12:26 “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” So it is with my body, and so it is with fellow believers and the body of Christ. It was the prayers of my friends and family for my eyes, ears and mouth that allows me to proclaim with all praise and glory to God that prayer works!! Miracles happen…See no evil (I am not blinded physically like they expected); Hear no evil (I can hear out of the ear that would have required a miracle to heal on its own); Speak no evil (I have been given the opportunity to speak through angels on earth and their prayers lifted to heaven). So I will not waste the beautiful gift of sight and hearing and speech, but use it to proclaim the word. Romans 10:15 “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”
