The Surgery That Wasn’t (And The Trial that might be?

The surgery that wasn’t and the trial that might be? Seem like rather conspicuous words. But like I’ve said before (or have I?), one thing always leads to another with my treatment. Does anyone else hear the Fixx song sounding in the back of your mind?  You’re singing it now aren’t you? Anyways, sit back and see how the truth of these lyrics played out in my life ;)

I don’t even remember going to sleep the morning of my second liver resection on September 8, 2020, but I certainly remember waking up!  The abdominal block didn’t quite do its job and I woke up sobbing, in what I could only call the most unbearable, excruciating pain. It was so jarring that I struggled for each breath.  But what came next was even worse…when Dr. Aloia’s fellow told me that the surgery had been aborted because my body was scattered with more cancer than we even knew.  Say what??  It was like I had been stabbed in the heart.  I tried to ask a simple “HOW???”  But the words were stifled by the sharp pain.  I heard them say they had found too many pea size nodules to count on the omentum and peritoneum.   The what?  I knew I wasn’t of right mind at the time, but it was like they were speaking a foreign language.  If you’re like me, you have no idea what those are!  Not that you’ll ever need this information again, but for the sake of understanding, I’ll tell you.  The omentum is the fatty apron off the stomach (and there’s plenty of fatty apron LOL) that has some immune properties which help other organs in distress, so cancer there is kind of a bummer.  The peritoneum is the inner most layer of the abdominal wall in the pelvis area.  I went into the surgery thinking I would wake up with one less mass (and gall bladder) than before, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t meant to happen that way.   At some point I began to question why these pea size bits didn’t show up on the scans I had prior to surgery, especially given the sheer amount.  But apparently the nodules were playing a cruel game of hide and seek.

During the surgery, upon their discovery, my surgeon took a biopsy from each area and personally ran them to pathology, where he immediately got the results.  And, to no one’s surprise, it was ACC… the same nasty beast that keeps trying with all it’s might, to take me down.  But apparently the beast hasn’t gotten the memo that he will lose in the end.  John 10:10 The thief comes to kill and destroy.  I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest.

Romans 16:20  The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.  A second set of nodules were sent through normal pathology, but there was little question as to their origins (deep sigh...).

While I was still on the table, deep in my created sleep, with my stomach slit open along the same scar line as before, from belly button to chest (from my first liver resection), the surgeon called Dr. Glisson (my oncologist) who immediately took his call.  After discussion, she was the one who ultimately decided to have him halt the surgery.  With that much new cancer, and the existence of known metastatic disease in the liver, kidney, ovary and lungs, it was clear that a systemic treatment was the only thing that might possibly help me.  And the surgery, at this stage in my disease, wasn’t worth the risks.  Any complications from the surgery could keep me from getting on a clinical trial, which is what we have been praying for all along.  So the decision was made, and I was stitched back together, no better off than I was the moment they wheeled me in. 

Reeling with pain, and devastating news, I have never felt so very alone.  Once again, Covid prevented Will from even entering through the hospital doors.  This hurt just as much as the pain from the failed block.  He couldn’t be there for me the way he so desperately wanted to and the way I needed him to.  I had no one to comfort me and calm me down.  No one to ease the fears and uncertainty of that moment, other than the nurses that were scrambling to try to ease my physical pain.  And for what was probably only 15 or 20 seconds, my mind (already altered from the meds) went astray.  The enemy was telling me that this was the beginning of the end for me.  And for just a moment, the pain and fear let me believe it.  But just as He always does, the Lord swayed my thoughts from fear to fierce, as I remembered the t-shirt Chris gave me that sat tucked away in my suitcase.  NOT TODAY satan, NOT TODAY!! I proclaimed God’s power and satan’s defeat. And I remembered with the LORD I am never truly alone.  My attitude changed and despite the disappointment and the long recovery from the surgery that wasn’t, I realized it was part of His greater plan for my life. 

And like God often does, He flips the script and shows me how His plan is always better.  Every time that God has stopped a treatment (or surgery for that matter), it has protected me from something worse, or provided opportunities that would have otherwise evaded me.  He is navigating me through this crazy journey with exact precision.  Sometimes I don’t understand why it must happen this way, but His way is the best way and the ONLY way.  My precious friend Shelly, upon hearing the latest in my crazy life, said that I was inspiring people to work hard to get better. I hope that is true.   She said she believed me 100% when I told her that God stopped the surgery so I could go on the clinical trial (hang tight for more on that).  That to me outweighs the suffering!  

A precious family member also talked to me about how God makes a path for us that might not look like we expected but it is what is right.  He has clearly seen what God has done in my life and is starting to believe it and proclaim it to some degree for his own life too.  I have been praying for him for years to fully come to know and accept Jesus as his Savior.  Slowly, but surely, I’m seeing that prayer being played out over time.  Sometimes it’s hard to wait.  And sometimes the answers aren’t always what we want, but they are what He wants and that’s what matters.  Case in point, my mom said she prayed for the doctors to be led by the Lord in their decision making and precision.  My surgery didn’t play out the way she thought she prayed it...for the cancer to be removed, for no complications or no pain, etc.  But God answered it in the way the decision making about the new tumors took place.  Had it not been for the surgery, the cancer might have continued to go unnoticed and multiplied further. My care team’s communications were absolutely led by the Lord (Dr. Aloia calling Dr. Glisson), and their precision to close me up without complication.  Other than the pain, that is! 

We didn’t tell the girls about the newest discovery right away, because I didn’t want them to be alone when they heard.  I didn’t want them to pulled into that place that I had ever so briefly gone, of wonder and fear, and then not be there to support them and hug them.  It may not be the result we wanted, but it could be the answer we needed.  When we did tell them, a few days later, we had some good news to share.  While I was still in the hospital, Dr. Glisson came to visit, and gave me the news we’ve been waiting for.  A new clinical trial protocol was being made available as early as a week away!  Had they proceeded with the surgery, I would have been ineligible for it.  Thank you, Lord, for your protection and your perfect plan.  Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.  This verse, his Holy word, never fails me. 

Like I said at the beginning of this post, one thing, always one thing, leads to another!  I was abounding with excitement at the prospect of the new trial.  I followed up with her a few weeks later and was disappointed to learn that there wasn’t a spot currently available, but I was next on the list.  Disappointment seemed to become a theme in my treatment lately.  I had been waiting 7 years, what’s another month or two?!  When I mentioned my disappointment to another dear friend, she said, in all her wisdom, “Thank Him for the assurance of the available spot.”  I was thankful for this perspective that helped set my mind pointing back up where it needed to be. 

With the news still looming, we headed back towards home after my hospital stay, with a stop at Walmart, where you never know what you might see or hear.  And it did not disappoint when we heard a lady say, “Not Today Satan.”  Even though I didn’t get the news I wanted, He still offered me a reminder (at Walmart, no less) to trust in Him and to not give satan a stronghold.  That night, we went to dinner where I proposed a toast, “Here’s to a spot on the trial.”  Will cut me off and said, “A spot that’s not in your body for once.”