The surgery that wasn’t and the trial that might be? Seem like
rather conspicuous words. But like I’ve said before (or have I?), one thing
always leads to another with my treatment. Does anyone else hear the Fixx song
sounding in the back of your mind? You’re
singing it now aren’t you? Anyways, sit back and see how the truth of these
lyrics played out in my life ;)
I don’t even remember going to sleep the morning of my
second liver resection on September 8, 2020, but I certainly remember waking
up! The abdominal block didn’t quite do
its job and I woke up sobbing, in what I could only call the most unbearable, excruciating
pain. It was so jarring that I struggled for each breath. But what came next was even worse…when Dr.
Aloia’s fellow told me that the surgery had been aborted because my body was
scattered with more cancer than we even knew. Say what?? It was like I had been stabbed in the
heart. I tried to ask a simple “HOW???” But the words were stifled by the sharp
pain. I heard them say they had found too
many pea size nodules to count on the omentum and peritoneum. The what? I knew I wasn’t of right mind at the time,
but it was like they were speaking a foreign language. If you’re like me, you have no idea what those
are! Not that you’ll ever need this
information again, but for the sake of understanding, I’ll tell you. The omentum is the fatty apron off the
stomach (and there’s plenty of fatty apron LOL) that has some immune properties
which help other organs in distress, so cancer there is kind of a bummer. The peritoneum is the inner most layer of the
abdominal wall in the pelvis area. I
went into the surgery thinking I would wake up with one less mass (and gall
bladder) than before, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t meant to happen that
way. At some point I began to question why these
pea size bits didn’t show up on the scans I had prior to surgery, especially
given the sheer amount. But apparently the
nodules were playing a cruel game of hide and seek.
During the surgery, upon their discovery, my surgeon took a
biopsy from each area and personally ran them to pathology, where he
immediately got the results. And, to no
one’s surprise, it was ACC… the same nasty beast that keeps trying with all
it’s might, to take me down. But
apparently the beast hasn’t gotten the memo that he will lose in the end. John 10:10 The thief comes to kill and
destroy. I have come that they may have
life and have it to the fullest.
Romans 16:20
The God of
peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord
Jesus Christ be with you. A second set of nodules were sent through normal pathology,
but there was little question as to their origins (deep sigh...).
While I was still on the table, deep
in my created sleep, with my stomach slit open along the same scar line as
before, from belly button to chest (from my first liver resection), the surgeon
called Dr. Glisson (my oncologist) who immediately took his call. After discussion, she was the one who
ultimately decided to have him halt the surgery. With that much new cancer, and the existence
of known metastatic disease in the liver, kidney, ovary and lungs, it was clear
that a systemic treatment was the only thing that might possibly help me. And the surgery, at this stage in my disease, wasn’t
worth the risks. Any complications from
the surgery could keep me from getting on a clinical trial, which is what we
have been praying for all along. So the
decision was made, and I was stitched back together, no better off than I was
the moment they wheeled me in.
Reeling with pain, and devastating news, I have never felt so
very alone. Once again, Covid prevented
Will from even entering through the hospital doors. This hurt just as much as the pain from the
failed block. He couldn’t be there for
me the way he so desperately wanted to and the way I needed him to. I had no one to comfort me and calm me
down. No one to ease the fears and
uncertainty of that moment, other than the nurses that were scrambling to try
to ease my physical pain. And for what
was probably only 15 or 20 seconds, my mind (already altered from the meds) went
astray. The enemy was telling me that
this was the beginning of the end for me.
And for just a moment, the pain and fear let me believe it. But just as He always does, the Lord swayed
my thoughts from fear to fierce, as I remembered the t-shirt Chris gave me that
sat tucked away in my suitcase. NOT
TODAY satan, NOT TODAY!! I proclaimed God’s power and satan’s defeat. And I
remembered with the LORD I am never truly alone. My attitude changed and despite the
disappointment and the long recovery from the surgery that wasn’t, I realized
it was part of His greater plan for my life.
And like God often does, He flips the script and shows me how His
plan is always better. Every time that
God has stopped a treatment (or surgery for that matter), it has protected me from
something worse, or provided opportunities that would have otherwise evaded
me. He is navigating me through this
crazy journey with exact precision.
Sometimes I don’t understand why it must happen this way, but His way is
the best way and the ONLY way. My
precious friend Shelly, upon hearing the latest in my crazy life, said that I
was inspiring people to work hard to get better. I hope that is true. She
said she believed me 100% when I told her that God stopped the surgery so I
could go on the clinical trial (hang tight for more on that). That to me outweighs the suffering!
A precious family member also talked to me about how God makes a
path for us that might not look like we expected but it is what is right. He has clearly seen what God has done in my
life and is starting to believe it and proclaim it to some degree for his own
life too. I have been praying for him
for years to fully come to know and accept Jesus as his Savior. Slowly, but surely, I’m seeing that prayer
being played out over time. Sometimes
it’s hard to wait. And sometimes the
answers aren’t always what we want, but they are what He wants and that’s what
matters. Case in point, my mom said she
prayed for the doctors to be led by the Lord in their decision making and
precision. My surgery didn’t play out
the way she thought she prayed it...for the cancer to be removed, for no complications
or no pain, etc. But God answered it in
the way the decision making about the new tumors took place. Had it not been for the surgery, the cancer
might have continued to go unnoticed and multiplied further. My care team’s communications
were absolutely led by the Lord (Dr. Aloia calling Dr. Glisson), and their
precision to close me up without complication.
Other than the pain, that is!
We didn’t tell the girls about the newest discovery right away,
because I didn’t want them to be alone when they heard. I didn’t want them to pulled into that place
that I had ever so briefly gone, of wonder and fear, and then not be there to
support them and hug them. It may not be
the result we wanted, but it could be the answer we needed. When we did tell them, a few days later, we
had some good news to share. While I was
still in the hospital, Dr. Glisson came to visit, and gave me the news we’ve
been waiting for. A new clinical trial
protocol was being made available as early as a week away! Had they proceeded with the surgery, I would
have been ineligible for it. Thank you,
Lord, for your protection and your perfect plan. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have
for you, declares the Lord. Plans to
prosper you and not to harm you. Plans
to give you hope and a future. This
verse, his Holy word, never fails me.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, one thing, always one
thing, leads to another! I was abounding
with excitement at the prospect of the new trial. I followed up with her a few weeks later and
was disappointed to learn that there wasn’t a spot currently available, but I
was next on the list. Disappointment
seemed to become a theme in my treatment lately. I had been waiting 7 years, what’s another
month or two?! When I mentioned my
disappointment to another dear friend, she said, in all her wisdom, “Thank Him
for the assurance of the available spot.”
I was thankful for this perspective that helped set my mind pointing back
up where it needed to be.
With the news still looming, we headed back towards home after my hospital stay, with a
stop at Walmart, where you never know what you might see or hear. And it did not disappoint when we heard a
lady say, “Not Today Satan.” Even though
I didn’t get the news I wanted, He still offered me a reminder (at Walmart, no less) to trust in Him
and to not give satan a stronghold. That
night, we went to dinner where I proposed a toast, “Here’s to a spot on the
trial.” Will cut me off and said, “A
spot that’s not in your body for once.”
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