As I sit here to write today,
it’s with joy in my heart and a crown on my head. I know you think I’m speaking metaphorically,
but the fake diamonds on my head say otherwise.
I don’t typically spend my day wearing a crown (well, not most days
anyways ;)). But today in Community
Bible Study we completed the end of the Book…Revelation. And as you can imagine, this was not an easy
book to study. It required a lot of
faith and a lot of discipline, at a time when I struggled with many aspects of
my health. It’s my third time reading
through and studying Revelation and there are still just as many questions as
answers, and that’s OK with God. I’m not
wearing this crown as a consolation prize for finishing the book, but as a
reminder that He deems us worthy.
2 Timothy 4:8 Now
there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord,
the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also
to all who have longed for his appearing.
Jesus died wearing a crown of
thorns, so that we might receive the crown of righteousness, glory and life that
none of us deserve. He will take a ragdoll
like me and stitch me back up, even better than before putting a glorious crown
on my head.
Being the last day of our study
of Revelation and the first day of our summer break, we had a luncheon (princess
theme with crowns for all who chose to accept it) to celebrate and to share any
personal revelations about our study of either Daniel (from earlier in the year)
or Revelation which we just finished. I
sometimes hesitate to share everything I want to, for fear that someone might
roll their eyes and say, “Oh, her again.” But I know the women in my group would never
react in that way and have been so incredibly supportive of my journey, so I
didn’t let that stop me.
As I
opened my mouth to share, I could feel the tears start to well up, recognizing not
only the physical wounds from the events of the last month, but also the emotional
wounds that left me with a question I was afraid to ask (Why am I afraid?). As I began sharing, I admitted that while I’m
“All In” for Christ and believe God’s word is truth, and I know the beginning
and the end and I know that eternity with Him will be better than anything we
can imagine on earth, I struggled once again with fear before my last
surgery. Fear is not my M.O. (although I
sure seem to be talking about it a lot lately).
But I was faced with an internal dialog where fear and truth were
butting heads (and my severely fractured butt couldn’t take anymore!). But with three mini strokes and a subarachnoid
hemorrhage that could’ve killed me just 16 days prior, combined with another
round of anesthesia for yet another surgery (the aforementioned severely
fractured/collapsed sacrum), I wondered if that last surgery might be the last time
saying goodbye to my daughters on the other end of the phone and it was
convicting me. I keep telling myself I'm
all in, until the moment that I think I might be closing my eyes for the last
time, then reality hits like a wrecking ball.
In
sharing with my group, I recalled the phone conversations with Meghan in Austin
and Molly in Arizona. I called prior to
my surgery, just so I could hear their voices again and tell them ‘Everything’s
gonna be alright’, even if in my mind I wasn’t sure that it was true. I didn’t want them to worry, which I knew was
a futile effort. They’ve seen me go
through so much in the last 9 years, how could they not worry just a
little? Fighting back tears unsuccessfully on the
phone, I said goodbye (I love you) to each of them, and my desire to convey
strength disappeared with each tear that rolled down my face. I spoke to my parents, and the word goodbye,
wouldn’t even come out of my mouth. I
was lucky to have Will with me when they wheeled me in for this surgery, and he
leaned down to give me a kiss on the forehead and the last thing I remember was
telling him I loved him. The tears and
the fear were NOT that I might die, but more that I might not stay. And in that moment, the thought was
unbearable.
As I shared this very personal confession with my Christian sisters, I was once again fighting back tears. But as had happened so many times before, I was the recipient of very personal prayers on my behalf. Little did I know that their prayers, both spoken and unspoken, would be answered within half an hour of getting home!
Any time I get a call from 713 or 832, I know it’s Houston (MD Anderson, not NASA😉) calling. I answered the
call, assuming it was related to some recent bloodwork, but was surprised to
hear the remnants of what I believe to be an Italian accent on the other end of
the line. It was my new oncologist speaking
with a sense of excitement and urgency at the same time. I was taken by surprise, and quickly realized
that her call would illuminate the prayers from earlier in the day. She got
notice of a clinical trial that has but a single spot open starting in June (2022). It's an immunotherapy trial, which most people believe is the
answer to all cancers, but it hasn't shown any measure of success treating my particular
type. BUT it IS a new type of immunotherapy that targets a different genetic
marker. It's been very successful in treating mice (sorry, Mickey 😉). It's not specific to my cancer
but has worked in some similar solid
tumor types. She informed me that the
last time a slot opened it was scooped up within five minutes by another doctor
eager to offer their patient hope. This
time, with my consent, it would be God using her to offer me hope once
again. I told her without hesitation
and with my crooked smile (from the major facial reconstruction surgery I haven’t even told
you about yet), to add my name to the
list. How great is our God the He
sometimes answers prayers in unexpected, yet amazing ways? My sisters in Christ prayed for God to cover
me and release me from any fears. And He answered with a mighty YES and so much
more. He answers prayers and He deems us worthy!
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